Loneliness

Every person experiences loneliness at times however currently loneliness is seen as a growing epidemic. It is not unusual for individuals to feel lonely in a relationship, or because they live alone, or due to being cut off from friends and family, having moved or because of the breakdown of a relationship. Experiencing pain, hurt, depression, anxiety or loss, can all contribute to feeling lonely and somewhat lost.

Some people use alcohol, drugs and behaviours such as gambling to overcome such feelings but the truth is that substances and problematic behaviours can actually exacerbate loneliness and despair.

Whether you see yourself as an introvert or an extrovert, it is important to have a sense of connection and this can be difficult if you are going through difficult times or have had negative experiences in your interactions with others.

In overcoming loneliness, connection with others is important but so is a sense of connection to ourselves.

How can counselling help?

• Counselling involves developing a relationship which is built on trust and safety and having someone really listen leads to feeling understood, validated and ultimately to feeling more positive.

• Discussing values, beliefs, expectations and experiences can build on this increased positivity and start to provide a connection back to what is important to us personally.

• A sense of grounding and increased confidence about who we are and where we want to head in life is a good step towards connecting with others.

Whether you choose to seek out counselling or to make some changes yourself towards more connection, it’s important to know that feelings of loneliness can be understood and worked through.

Why do I need boundaries?

Having healthy boundaries is a key aspect of keeping well and happy and we need them in all of our relationships. See if you relate to the descriptions below:

Boundaries at work

Have you ever had a night out with work colleagues and then found yourself full of regrets or perhaps confided something personal to someone at work then wondered if you should have opened up?

Healthy boundaries at work include knowing who to trust with personal information and how to socialise without compromising your reputation or professionalism.

Boundaries in relationships

Some people find it hard to say no. This can lead to doing too much for others, doing things you don’t want to do, taking on excessive tasks or activities and not having time for yourself.

Looking after others can be a positive attribute but needs to be balanced with your own self-care.

Here are some simple steps towards having positive boundaries.

• Start by being aware of your reactions.

For example: A friend, family member or partner asks you to do something for them or with them. Your instincts are to say “no” but you hear yourself saying “yes”. You later feel resentful or put upon and wonder why this keeps happening.

• Practice being assertive.

Start with people you encounter in everyday life and then experiment with those in your inner circle. Tune into that initial reaction discussed in the point above and try to say it out loud.

• Know your personal values

This creates an understanding of what is important to you and an awareness of why you may feel uncomfortable with certain behaviours or decisions.

It can be liberating to exercise healthy boundaries and will contribute to making your relationships more authentic and fulfilling.

Surviving the holiday season

What could be difficult about the festive season when for many it is the first opportunity to stop the daily grind and relax?

• People can feel especially lonely around this time of year. This may be due to a relationship break-up, no family or difficult family dynamics, few friends and the media hype about it being a joyous time.

• Without the structure and routine of work we suddenly have time to think and feel. Issues we have avoided all year may now be front of mind.

• Family obligations can mean navigating difficult relationships.

• Tricky social situations can be exacerbated by alcohol and end of year stress.

• People in our support network may be away or busy.

Healthy coping

• Be mindful that the holiday season is not always fun and be aware of vulnerabilities you may have with certain family members.

• Try to have realistic expectations. If we approach certain functions expecting that people will suddenly treat us differently we may be disappointed and wonder “Why doesn’t anyone care?” or “I try so hard, why doesn’t anyone else?”

• If you usually exercise, keep up some form of physical activity over the break. This can help with stress levels and anxiety.

• Try to balance the time spent with difficult people by spending time with those who are non-critical, supportive and encouraging.

• If you don’t have anything planned for the “big” occasions like Christmas Day and New Year’s Eve, plan to be with others or else perhaps have a short break away.

If you feel overwhelmed and find you need support over the holiday period, counselling may help provide perspective. The process may also help you reflect on changes you would like for the new year in yourself, your relationships and life in general.

How can being mindful help my relationships?

You may have heard the term “mindfulness” a great deal lately but how might mindfulness or being present help your relationships?

Being present is something we can practice daily in a variety of simple ways.

• When someone is speaking to you, make eye contact and acknowledge that you have heard them rather than continuing to look at a device.
• During your daily activities focus on the experience. Contemplate what is happening in the moment rather than thinking through what will be happening later that day.
• Be mindfully present with your children. By making eye contact with your infant, you sync their brainwaves with yours. This will boost their communication skills and more importantly assist them with feeling securely attached.
• Enjoy the time you have with friends by really listening. The foundations of listening include making eye contact and using positive body language.

If you find it hard to be present in these ways perhaps you would benefit from mindfulness exercises. There are a variety of apps online which you can try and also courses you can attend which help to develop mindfulness skills. Studies have shown that after an eight-week course of mindfulness practice, the brain's “fight or flight” centre appears to shrink. This primal region of the brain, associated with fear and emotion, is involved in the initiation of the body's response to stress. Mindfulness helps our more primal responses to stress be superseded by more thoughtful ones and hence it enhances our relationship with ourselves and with others.

Next time we will focus more on active listening which also serves to enhance relationships and goes hand in hand with mindfulness.

Why do the little things bug me so much?

When we first meet someone it may seem they can do no wrong. Although they may have some idiosyncrasies these can be endearing, so what has happened some time later when the dishwasher not being stacked properly seems like the most offensive thing possible?

Over time with couples, patterns of behaviour build up. We may be aware of them or completely oblivious. We do know however that something is not right in how we feel towards the other person and we can start to feel distant and wonder what to do.

Try asking yourself these questions:
What has become the focus of our lives?

It could be that you used to consider one another with small acts of kindness or appreciation but now you are busy worrying about paying the rent or the mortgage or dealing with that difficult work colleague.

What common goals do you share?
These are goals which serve to enhance the relationship. Goals can be about holidays and homes or less concrete like spending quality time together, sharing an interest, having tech free nights or even more generally around what type of couple you would like to be.

When do you spend time doing something special?
This refers to time you set aside for just you and your partner and may require some thought. Time spent watching Netflix is fun and relaxing but does not necessarily create connection.

If you have tried to get back to how things were and it seems difficult, it may be that counselling would give you a fresh view on your relationship and help you connect again.

What values are important in your relationship?

Values are something which we may not consciously examine and when we do, it may take some time to articulate them. What is a value after all?

Values which people commonly name as important include integrity, honesty, trustworthiness and loyalty. Such values underpin other important areas of focus for us such as family, friendships, political leanings, attitudes and beliefs. Our personal values drive our actions, the work we do (or would like to do), the goals we have in life and our core beliefs.

In a relationship values have an important role. Often we choose partners whose values are aligned to our own and this is an area of overlap but there may be areas where we disagree in terms of our values. Sometimes a clash of this nature can take a while to become apparent.

When couples come to counselling due to conflict there can be many contributing factors such as ineffective communication, breaches of trust, built up resentments, outside influences, difficult patterns of interaction and so on however there may also be a difference in values which is contributing to tension and this is worth understanding.

Effective communication is a key to such understanding. The relationship foundations of negotiation, compromise, problem solving and conflict resolution are key to establishing a base to explore differences in values. By strengthening these it can be easier to understand whether or not the values clash is significant.

Whether you are currently single or in a relationship, it is worth understanding your values as they inform who you are, how you want to live your life and with whom you want to share that life.

Managing conflict in a relationship

Do you wonder why you struggle to resolve arguments with your partner?

Many couples get on extremely well most of the time but when they argue emotions can escalate quickly. At such times it can be hard to think straight and feelings can be difficult to define.

See if you relate to any of the following:

• Things escalate quickly when you have conflict
• You struggle to remember what the argument was about
• It takes a while for things to get back to normal
• Conflict is more frequent and more intense these days

Conflict is a normal part of life and relationships but when it comes to the person closest to us, the stakes seem higher, we can take longer to recover and it may create distance in an otherwise loving relationship.

Managing our emotional reactions is an important skill.

Try these tips:

• Have an agreed word to say if you become caught in an emotional state with the other. This flags that it’s time to take a breather.
• If you can get out of the house, go for a walk. If not, take some deep breaths.
• Only resume the conversation when you are no longer upset or thinking things like “I just have to get this last point across…”
• Afterwards try to notice if there is a pattern to your arguments.

If you feel you need some help to understand what goes on between you when you experience conflict, counselling might be a good step. It doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed! It means you value what you have and want to invest in more positive interactions instead of being caught in negative ones.

How does technology impact your relationship?

Have you noticed how much time you spend on devices when you are in your partner’s company?

Do you ever hear complaints such as “Are you even listening to me?” or “Do you have to keep looking at your phone during dinner?” In our busy world work can really start to creep into home life and not only increase stress levels but severely impact partners and children. Of course it is not just work related technology that can impact our connections.

How often do you go out with your partner to a café or restaurant then spend the whole time looking at your screen? Maybe your kids even look at theirs at the same time. Notice those around you when you go out and you will see that increasingly it is not unusual for people to be seated then immediately take out their phones and not say another word!

So what’s the big deal?

Many couples come to counselling with communication as the number one issue. If you think about effective communication, it involves aspects such as eye contact, positive body language and verbal responses which indicate you are hearing what is being said. All of this is difficult when you are staring at a screen and actually not listening at all.

Try to have a “technology free” time each night. It may be for half an hour or an hour during which you talk with your partner, cook dinner or clear up the kitchen. Practice actually sitting and looking at the other person while they are speaking and notice if it increases the feeling of closeness or just the experience of being heard.

Try investing in your relationship for just a short while in this way and you will be pleasantly surprised by the results.

Joy Cassidy